I guess it's time for my yearly post. I just needed to be in my head for awhile. This is what I do when my journal doesn't feel like enough. Maybe this is how I scream tonight. So quietly, where no one will hear. I hope no one comes home, because this space is magical. I don't want to move. It might vanish. I feel air. I feel it in my soul. The Holy Spirit is here. I smell salt in this moving air. My heart believes I might be on the ocean with nothing but rambunctious water on the horizon. It's sacred, this space. Water for cleansing, salt for healing, air for breathing. What more is needed now? I feel their friendship and strength as i sit alone on my couch..

The sky is perfect. The sun has nearly left, with a blanket of clouds to tuck the hot day into a surprisingly cool night. I can see light peaking through the clouds... in the distance only. But the light is almost green. There was pink earlier, but only this soft green remains. Most would call it white, I would suppose. But it must be green for me tonight. Please, let it be green.

My heart is pounding at the signs of new life. Oh how I long to touch it with my own fingers. I hear it - the wind, the music on my silly computer, the muffled conversations below (filled with warmth, I imagine). I taste it - food has not tasted so real and so important in a very long time. I needed it today.

Oh Lord, I wait. I think I've grown so weary. I believe I've grown cold and even worthless to you. But I wait. I can't remember a time I felt this low before you. And yet, I've known for many years that the road you had me on would travel through this place. You warned me. And so, even more now than ever, I wait with hope.

"For God has imprisoned all in disobedience so that he may be merciful to all."

~Romans 11:32~

Maybe, can this please just mean what I imagine it meaning? That would be so nice in my mind. But my mind is quite small.

I never thought I'd have the courage to write in a blog. Seriously... so vulnerable. I'm an open book normally. But something feels so strange about this... strange and intriguing.

Tonight I got scared. I don't know why. I used to feel this feeling every day of my life. I haven't for so long. One of my closest friends called me this morning to tell me some of the most painful news I could have possibly imagined. I feel the death thickly around me tonight. Is fear necessary, so you can save us from it? Is pain necessary, so you can heal? Is loss simply so you can give? Oh Lord, have mercy on us. Deep down, my heart just is grateful to feel something from the past, even if it's fear. I used to think about Spiritual warfare way too much for my own good. It's sick, maybe. I don't know. But it is what it is. I'm very sad tonight. I hate how unfair this world seems to me right now. Some people just get hope, I guess. And others spend their whole lives looking for it, and after one too many attempts in vain they give up. How are some allowed to taste life, while others must taste death, time and time again. Sometimes, my body shakes when I think about this. Or maybe I'm just cold on a warm summer's night. Pictures from India flash by on my screen saver, and with them come stories. I remember a lot of pain. Pain I was allowed to look at and cry over, vicariously living through people and situations I could leave.

I just looked up on my wall, and saw a thing I made last year with one of my favorite passages on it.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."Psalm 27:13-14

I know that death is the penultimate piece of this puzzle. I have to believe this. I know because I see it in Scripture. I know because I see it in nature. But most of all, tonight I hope. I feel death, but I look to hope. Oh Lord, have mercy on us. Have mercy on us all. Let us be your love and life and hope in death. Oh Lord, conqueror of the grave, show us where to walk. Oh Lord, resurrected from the dead, show us where to walk